Some time ago a student wrote to me:
You talked about how one should have no expectations from anyone or anything. I have two issues with this mindset:
1. It seems like a very depressing way to live. This mindset of “if I don’t expect anything, I will never be disappointed” seems broken to me. Only if you have expectations, are sometimes disappointed and sometimes pleasantly surprised, are you fully living life. Not having expectations from anyone seems to be a way to detach yourself from everyone and everything, and I don’t think not letting yourself feel anything is a good way to live. I understand your point about not tying your emotions to people, actions, or situations, and I also agree that we should inherently be happy without having to rely on external stimuli. But not attaching any emotions to any event, not having any expectations from anyone, seems a bit extreme. By this logic, I should not feel happiness at my wedding, getting placed at my dream company should not incite any emotions in me, and I should basically live life like a dead person without any ups or downs. This seems very depressing to me. I can’t not have expectations and not feel happiness from things just to prevent the downside of maybe getting hurt or being disappointed.
2. Not having any expectations from anyone seems unfair to the people who love you. What does it mean to be close to a person if you don’t expect anything from them? That way, every living being on the planet should mean the same to you. Let’s say, for example, I expect my friends to wish me on my birthday. You say that I should have no such expectations, and my happiness should not be dependent on them wishing me. Let’s say I expect my friends to call me every few weeks to catch up. You say that I should have no such expectations, and my happiness should not be dependent on them keeping in touch with me. What does it mean for them to be close to my heart, for them to be my friends then, if there is no expectation there? They are no different from a stranger on the street, in that case.
Say my partner has no expectations from me. That’s so rude to me, because I want to do nice things for them but they have no want for those things, because they have no expectations. What does it mean for me to be their partner, if there is no expectations from me? I think that the inherent nature of having any sort of relationship with anybody means that you have certain expectations of them, and they of you. I will feel loved if I know that my partner, my friends, my parents have certain expectations of me, and I will strive to live up to those expectations and make them happy. If my partner has no expectations from me, what is my purpose in their life? I am no one to them. I can’t make them happy, because my existence in their life means nothing to them, and I cannot affect their happiness with anything I do.
These are doubts I have heard from many, many of my students over the decades I have been teaching my course Creativity and Personal Mastery (CPM). It just happens to be exceptionally well articulated.
First, if your notion of a ‘good life’ is to experience sharp pains and exuberant happiness, to live in a world where you see-saw between dejection and jubilation, then go right ahead. You will live in a world where you oscillate on a sinusoidal curve between elation and despair and you will spend more time on the despair end of the spectrum. I completely understand this point of view. I espoused it for a long time. Too long a time. I even wrote about it in an earlier blog.
If you are OK with this, then good luck on your journey of life. Many, perhaps the majority of people, feel this way.
But, someday, you may get fed up with this way of living. Some day you may get tired of short lived joy and long lived sorrow. Then what I say begins to make profound sense. The great Indian philosopher saint, Adi Sankara expressed this beautifully in his composition Mohamudgara, better known as Bhaja Govindam:
Punarapi jananam punarapi maraṇam
Punarapi jananī jaṭhare śayanam
Iha saṁsāre bahu dustāre
Kṛpayā’pāre pāhi Murāre
Again and again birth, again and again death,
Again and again lying in the womb of the mother.
This worldly existence is extremely difficult to cross.
O Lord (Murari), in Your boundless compassion, please save me.
We are all seeking the same thing – happiness that is unconditional, happiness that lasts forever. The mistake we make is in where we seek this happiness. Lasting happiness cannot be found in relationships, in material gain, in fame, in sensual gratification or anything bound by time and space.
The Sermon on the Mount says the same thing in different words:
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,
where moth and rust destroy,
and where thieves break in and steal.
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven,
where moths and rust do not destroy,
and where thieves do not break in and steal.”
Our errant conditioning is so strong that we cannot give up our expectations. We expect our friend and relatives to remember our birthdays and wish us, and we are hurt if they don’t.
But what we can do is see that our expectations are keeping us in a prison where our wellbeing is dependent on others. When we can perceive this with unshakable clarity, the expectation drops by itself.
Right now, my student is stuck in a place where her happiness and well being come from relationships and success and the treasures on earth which can be destroyed by moths and rust. Some day she will understand the true purpose of life.
And then she will understand the profound truth of what I share.
Peace!
