Have you ever had your heart broken?
When I was a graduate student I had a friend – acquaintance really – who fell deeply in love with the graduate assistant who graded his assignments and helped him understand tough concepts in advanced physics. She was working towards a Ph.D. and always seemed troubled.
He was on a fellowship and did not have much money, but he took her out for lunch and then dinner and then lunch and dinner. He found out that she was in a troubled relationship and her partner was abusive. He accompanied her to the student health center where she explained that the bruise on her face was because she walked into an open door.
He got a part-time job so he could continue to see her. She was a doctoral student, and her stipend was larger than his, but she never seemed to have funds and never offered to pay for any of the meals they had even when he took her out to expensive restaurants.
He spent hours listening to her and counseling her. His work suffered and he was put on academic probation. He finally convinced her to leave the relationship she was in and proposed to her. She was reluctant but he was insistent and she finally acquiesced.
He used his credit card to buy air tickets to the distant town he came from so he could introduce her to his family. She did not meet him at the airport as arranged. Frantic, he rushed to the dorm where she had temporary accommodation. She was not there, but her roommate had a letter for him.
She had fallen in love with a young assistant professor, and they were married last week. They were now on their honeymoon. She was sorry that she did not tell him sooner, but she was not sure that her marriage would happen till it did. She wished him well and was sure that he would soon get over her and do well in life.
My friend was a zombie for months.
He thought she betrayed him and broke his heart. Perhaps you feel the same.
But what she really did is break the story he told himself about the kind of person she was and how their life together would evolve. He ignored or missed completely the many signals that indicated she was self-centered. He was convinced that he had overcome her reluctance.
Heartbreak feels personal. It is a betrayal, a rejection, an abandonment. What fragmented is his heart but also the story he constructed around what happened.
You never fall in love with a person.
You fall in love with the image you have created about that person.
And you do this with every relationship you have.
It is painful when illusions disintegrate. But that is also when growth happens.
What illusions are you holding on to?
Peace!
